The big part here is every day. Not just in the moments of crisis or celebration. Every. Single. Day. 

Because they’ll never be able to feel the magnitude, depth, sorrow, and joy of the big moments if you don’t let them in on the small ones.

Let me be clear: Most of the time, this will feel boring, unproductive, and maybe even selfish, especially for a growth-oriented individual. This is a lie. You have to think about your closest relationships as a bank account. Every single time you slow down enough to talk about what you’re going through, you’re making a deposit. The currency is context. Sometimes these deposits take two minutes. Sometimes they take two hours. But every time you make a deposit, you’re giving someone who cares about you the context that will be necessary to process the peaks and valleys the way you do. 

And that is invaluable.

Action: Find one person outside the office you trust. This can be a spouse, family member, close friend, pastor, counselor, or mentor. Tell this person that you’re going to start intentionally sharing more details about your life and work so someone else will understand what you’re going through and you won’t be isolated. Then, actually do it.

Habit 2: Share the Responsibility

It’s easy to read the phrase “share the responsibility” and immediately think “delegation!” And while that’s true, I’m referring to a very specific type of delegation.

Too often, leaders delegate tasks. While this is okay (and perhaps even necessary for a team to grow), it doesn’t relieve the loneliness issue at all. Remember how I said that the thing that sets leaders apart is responsibility? This means that one of the things you’re going to have to delegate to avoid loneliness is real, actual, true responsibility.

This means you aren’t just handing off tasks, outcomes, projects, or even teams. It means that you’re handing off ownership.

Let me be clear: I’m not talking about giving away equity or position. I’m talking about empowering someone who isn’t you with the opportunity to be ruthlessly responsible—for the wins, the losses, the growth, the stagnation, the failures, and the successes. (Sound familiar?)

The inevitable consequence of this action is that you lose control.

The inevitable benefit of this action is that you lose control.

But this isn’t about you losing control; it’s about someone else gaining it.

That means that someone else knows what it feels like to be emotionally impacted by the highs and lows. Someone else knows the stress of not hitting the budget. Someone else experiences the gratification of exceeding expectations. This will be good for your team. It will be good for your company. It will be good for your family. It will also be good for you, since the undeniable result of having that “someone else” on your team is that you’ll no longer feel alone—because you won’t be.

You could have a PhD in organizational leadership and still fail miserably at this. I think the important thing is that you try it. Because it’s in the trying that you push fear out of the driver’s seat. So be about the business of finding people who have the propensity to care deeply about the work, then actively share real responsibility.

Action: Think of one person you could give more ownership to—not because they’re guaranteed to succeed, but because they’re guaranteed to care. Then, proportionate to the person’s level of competency and integrity, hand off something that really matters to you.

Habit 3: Share the Mess

Although this is the last habit, it’s probably the most important.

You see, there are countless books, articles, and speeches out there that tout the idea: “No one expects you to be perfect!”

But I think, for some of you, that’s a lie. 

That’s right. I said it. 

The idea that no one expects you to be perfect is an absolute lie. Some of you have teams, colleagues, friends, and even family members who expect you to be perfect. You know why?

(This part is way better if you scream it as loud as you can.)

BECAUSE YOU FREAKIN’ TAUGHT THEM TO!

(See, wasn’t that good? Now, back to normal.)

Don’t get mad at me. I’m just sharing a message that I repeatedly need to hear. Think about it: We hide mistakes, refuse to admit failures, conceal our feelings, and direct attention away from our setbacks.

This is really gratifying, and (dare I say it) fun. It’s fun to be looked up to, revered, respected, admired, and thought of as flawless. That’s what makes it so tempting. It’s also what makes it so dangerous.

Because, when you play this game, you intentionally deprive people of the opportunity to see you as imperfect. When you choose—and it is a choice—to establish this as a pattern, you’re training people to stop seeing you as human.

They see the power-washed, filtered, polished, perfect version of you, which isn’t you at all. 

Therefore, even if you go all-in on sharing the details and sharing the responsibility, you’ll still feel profoundly alone. People won’t be connecting with you. They’ll be connecting with the mannequin that you’ve chosen to present. (Twist. The. Knife.)

But we all know this isn’t sustainable. One day, there will be an imperfection, mistake, or failure that’s too big to cover up and too profound to ignore, which means the people who trusted, admired, and looked up to you will see it. And they’ll be outraged. Why? Because you chose to perpetuate the lie that you’re perfect, and you just broke your promise. They counted on you, and you let them down.

Wow. That’s a pretty gloomy outlook. Sadly, it’s a reality that’s playing out in the lives of thousands wrapped up in the illusion of perfection. 

But here’s a brighter version of that scenario: You begin setting the tone for the future by being really honest in the present. You let people in on the gritty, flawed, and imperfect nature of yourself. You use phrases like, “I let you down,” “I screwed up,” or “I got this wrong.” Don’t be weird about it. Just be real.