Firepower: Family
Phil Connor
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I recently had the opportunity to visit Ellison Bay, Wisconsin, which is just under two hours northeast of Green Bay. It’s a beautiful sanctuary where my aunt and uncle had their retirement home for the last 15 years. In the past year, they both passed away, and I was visiting to attend their small memorial service. I got the opportunity to reconnect with relatives that I had not seen in 20 years and more. Afterward, I drove back toward Green Bay, and the time driving was full of reflection on the importance of family in my life. Very similar to air, family is something we too often take for granted until we are deprived of it. Families can take various forms, but they require tending to thrive—just like a garden. I’ve had some colleagues who have expressed that families should be “easy” and “low maintenance,” but I’m not aware of anything of value that is either one. Being a part of a family requires us to be engaged and connected. It necessitates that we communicate well, and it can be a lasting part of our individual legacies. This month, let’s explore how we can enrich—and be enriched by—our families.
Families can take various forms, but they require tending to thrive —just like a garden
Remain Connected
In Wisconsin, I caught up with some cousins I had not seen for many years (some since a wedding in 1989). My Dad is one of nine siblings, and I am the oldest of six kids. With eight aunts and uncles, I am one of 38 cousins. That’s more than three a month if I wanted to visit them each year, which is nearly impossible when we are spread across the country. There have been times in my life I tried to avoid relatives, make my own path, and avoid “drama.” I realize now that my avoidance of family in my youth set me up for stumbles that I likely could have avoided. I have uncles who sat in the White House with senior politicians and presidents and others who were executives in the publishing world; I have aunts who have taught classes to leaders of Fortune 50 companies on six continents and others who aided relief missions in distant communities. Unfortunately, I learned these facts by reading obituaries or listening to eulogies instead of rubbing elbows at campfires or over a backyard grill burning hot dogs. If any of you have had similar experiences, let’s resolve this holiday season to find that relative we have not spoken to in a while and reconnect—not just to gossip about other relatives, but to actually focus on learning one thing about this person that we didn’t already know. This can be an educational and exciting activity.
Communicate We Care
The first thing I do now when reconnecting with relatives is look them in the eye and let them know how much I appreciate getting together. I want them to know that I value their time and appreciate that they’re spending it with me. Whether this is a 10-year-old niece or a 90-year-old uncle, this gesture has an impact. We don’t always know what others feel. Seemingly small actions over time may fester and grow worse and create huge barriers to repair. The critical step to keep at the forefront of our mind is that reconnecting is not about saying “I told you so” or being critical in any way. We should not take sides in any family disputes, but express how much we want to understand each relative’s journey. It’s paramount that we “listen to learn” about all of their stories. And if there are no ancient transgressions in the past, expressing how much we care will enable us to be seen as available when our relatives are wounded and need our loving, non-judgmental ear.
Some of us may not be comfortable listening, or we may not be interested in the “perceived” issues our relatives have. Taking the time to listen to our relatives close to us will ensure they feel loved, but it may also mean that when we need someone to talk to or confide in, they will be there for us. In my travels and experience, I have noticed that the stronger the relationships we have with our family, the stronger the bonds we have with others.
I have noticed that the stronger the relationships we have with our family, the stronger the bonds we have with others.
Understand Our Legacy
There can be an eerie silence in a home for parents when the last of their kids have moved out. The empty nest lacks the hustle and bustle of children learning to walk, fighting, entering and exiting adolescence, and striving for the independence that eventually does come. This past fall, my wife and I entered this awkward stage of life. Twenty years of focusing on the kids and little else leaves a strange void. It’s all good, just different. During one of these violently quiet moments, I realized how important family is to me. I missed my kids—truly missed their conversations and learning about their days.
This awareness came with the understanding that I can still reach out and connect with my children, just in a different way. As children are spreading their wings and enjoying their independence, it’s okay for parents to reach out and check in on their “flight schedules.” We don’t need to do it in a way that feels to them like parenting, but we can be curious about what they’re exploring and ask about the new experiences they’re having. Letting them know that we care and we’re available when they need us allows them to have even more confidence as they explore.
I suspect families are important to all of us and that we want them to be safe sources of love and understanding. During this holiday season, whether we work with our families and see them every day or have just a brief moment to visit, let’s commit to improving the connections we have now. Building on that foundation we can resolve to communicate regularly (even if it’s one-directional at first) and be open to understanding that the impact we can have may still be in front of us. Thanks for reading—and have a prosperous month ahead.
During this holiday season, whether we work with our families and see them every day or have just a brief moment to visit, let’s commit to improving the connections we have now.

Phil Connor
Phil is always working with his team at Ignition Labratory to find new ways to spread the fire. If you found Phil's column impactful, or if you'd like to have him speak at an upcoming event, contact him at phil.connor@live.com.